This is part of my story.

My Early Years. For the longest time, I had confusion about who I was and how I could best use my gifts. My adolescent years were somewhat of disaster even though those around me had no idea. I was repressed. I was confused. I was in survival mode at the age of 14 until I left for college. I was using food, pot, cigarettes, Pink Floyd, boys, more food, and rebellion as a way of coping.

As I moved into adulthood, the worst part was living a lie. Happy on the outside, binging and purging in my private hell on the inside.

From bulimia to disordered eating to body dysmorphia to always comparing myself to everyone else doing “better” than me, to not being able to focus my career in one direction, to being a fixer.  I often wanted to disappear.  

Cluttered thinking, self-criticisms, and of course eating binges were my companions for many, many years.

“Why was I repeating destructive patterns? Why couldn’t I figure out what was best for me? Should I do this? Should I do that? What will people think? Everyone is doing better than me. Fuuuuuuuuck!”

I tackled my issues from every which way possible. From books to more books to articles to more articles to podcasts to blogs and spending nearly a year with both a nutritionist and a psychotherapist. I cycled through tactics over and over again. 

When I interviewed Dr. Omar Manejwala about his new book, “Craving. Why We Can’t Seem To Get Enough,” I started to understand my undesirable, repetitive decision making from a new perspective. It gave me insight. I suddenly understood my journey with a new set of eyes. 

I also had a spiritual awakening in 2014 and it opened doors to awareness, acceptance and empowerment (and, even wholeness) in ways I never thought possible. 

I know this now. Tactics alone are not enough. 

The Connection. Unmet needs will be met in a healthy or unhealthy way but they will always be met. If they are met in an unhealthy way, you lead yourself into a place that you don’t want to be, doing things you don’t want to do, with people you don't want to be around.

Not knowing what to do or where to start or why you're doing things you don't want to do is living in chaos and confusion on some level. 

Those needs take up mental and emotional space and drain you of clear thinking. Recognized or not, they are ruling at least one aspect of your life.

You rob yourself of valuable time and energy in your joy and genius zone. You miss out on the good shit and swirl in more bullshit. 

How can you think straight and make decisions with confidence and clarity when you're constantly fighting your thoughts and exhausting your willpower? 

You can't. 

And, how do you fight those patterns and turn them into wisdom and transformation if you don't even recognize their influence? 

You can't.

I had also learned that change results from what you start doing rather than what you try to stop doing. Looking back, I saw where and how I held myself back from joy and from my own truths. 

I was not being me. I was spending all of my energy trying to not do something. I was entangled in my own mini prison.

But, I’m not living like that any longer and my transformational journey brought me to this exact point. I had to experience all of it. But, you don’t have to.

I have earned my Hero's Journey and I am honoring it by helping others get out of confusion and into clarity as much as possible, and defining their own HJ, because we all have one.